Back in the Wild

Im back from National Service, or as the locals call it NS, mainly cause it was Christmas. But it wasnt easy at all. We had to pend in our holiday request for almost two weeks which was really fustrating. It felt as if they didnt care at all. Leaving that place, it's as if I came out of the woods, cause the signals only work outside the camp. (10 km outside). Thats how deep it's in. Anyway Im going back there in less than another 3 hours so oh well forgive my rants.

Coming back home after the drastic change of wilderness, I
felt like a homeless man finding a home. I went straight to my room and burst into tears. My room was so clean there were echoes when I hummed. It felt as if the whole world revolved without me and being back in society, felt rather strange. Cause well everyone just kept moving on with their life. And I started to realise how insignificant and tiny an individual I am. Although yes, my friends miss me, and I they, but it's not like they were pining for me every second of the day, they filled those "us" times with other new people. And it somehow felt like I can be replaced.

It's just somehow, how shall I put it? Coming back (Although it was only 3 weeks) I start seeing things in a different light. And the things that used to matter so much to me just seem like "things" now. I believe this was the change I was afraid would take place. And it is. Although I dont know if this is for good or bad.

For instance, I used to take pride in my Portuguese Eurasian heritage, but ever since this camp, I find it rather pointless when people boast about their race. As everyone is just the same and what separates us is rather our mindsets and mentality. I never thought i would be homesick. I even laughed at characters in stories whenever they cried. But now I guess I understand why Dorothy didnt want to stay in Oz. Cause there's really- "No place like home".

Things like fashion, clothes, malls used to thrill me. But this Christmas, they somehow dont seem like necessities anymore. It's like my minds been set to "Practical Mode". But Practical is boring. And I dont want to lose that touch of colour I had in me which seems to deteriorate everyday in camp. Things are so restricted and rigid, there's hardly time for creativity or even quirk. I dont know if it's just me but being there for too long can actually break one's spirits. What more when you dont have your phone or music and complete isolation from all things comforting.

I agree I've been tougher than I have in my 17 years of life, and I like the independence. That feeling of achievement but at times it hits me hard and well even people studying abroad still have contact with the outside world. Whereas this is like a time machine transporting me into desolate space to a time when everyone you know is dead. Yea that's how I feel. And when I see everyone moving on I cant help but wonder is this how it feels like one someone dies? Their loved ones either move on or find something else to fill in the space. Yea depressing stuff for Christmas eh?

I've never been this far away from home during Christmas. Cause well Christmas is a time of togetherness and family. But clearly MOST people here don't get it. And they can't understand why we Christians are upset when they can't be bothered to give us leave. It's not just a Holiday. It's us welcoming Our Lord once again into our lives to start a fresh with our families. That's Christmas. Not the gifts, not the snowman and not the discounted sales at malls.

Fairytale V.s Reality

Sure every girl has dreamt of that prince charming and Well I wouldn't deny myself that I've been looking for him too. The thing is... what if they never told us that the Prince was a player, unreliable or maybe non existent  even? Now that's something to think about.....

I came across this guy, (sure it always starts like that eh?) who practically swept me off my feet in just one night whereby it was a date with minimal mistakes with all the gentlemanly gestures and princess treatment,SURE. It felt magically romantic until at least the next 24 hours where he starts being douchie. 

 He was so keen in making it flawless I actually felt uneasy.. Cause it's like sometimes when things are too perfect they hardly seem real. It's not like I'm whining or anything, or maybe I am so what. The point is that, Its the imperfections that makes the memories last, not the perfect straight out of a dating manual date. Even a retard could do that. I hoped that well he would at least continue the conversation after that dinner but it rather seems like he's trying to play hard to get. Well I'm a girl and I sure as hell will not be wasting my efforts endlessly pining for you. I'm sorry. So it was hard getting over him even though I've tried getting over him so many times. It almost feels as if I know how to get over him more than I know about him. 

So this my lovelies are an example of the so called fairytale : they make you pine for them, looking like an idiot while they are probably out brainstorming to capture more hearts.

Then you have the real kind of guy: He likes you. And sure he tries to use his subtle ways to let you know but there's no games in it. Just simple and sweet. His friends are always there to cheer him on and you just know it that well secretly they are finding ways to help him woo you as well. He doesn't try so hard to impress. He does but, it's not like a complete different identity type of thing. He's there always ready to help, offer advices , and he lays his cards out on the table. No secrets. No hanky panky. And definitely no mysteries. 

Disney has been doing this kinda guys a lot of discredit. I mean this is the kind of guy I want. And he definitely sounds like prince material to me. 

I want a guy whos not more in love in his self than in his life. Like why can't guys these days be less vain and more modest ?! Rather than being so full of themselves they end up becoming douches. I wan a real guy. You hear that universe? No more stuffy excessively wannabe romantics. Its just urghhghhhhh

A glimpse Oh Happiness

 So where do I begin? Do you ever find yourself searching for something and well it just never turns up? That's how it's been for me since well as long as I can remember.

So all this while I've been hoping for Mr Darcy to fall from the sky when he was actually there and I was well as cliche as it sounds, too prejudiced to see it. Sometimes I really feel like kicking myself in the nuts, then I remember I have none. And to think I could have had this happiness the whole time rather than the doubts and emptiness hoping and wishing, waiting and wondering. I feel like such an idiot.

It was so random and unexpected that we actually went out. And after everything, I find myself asking why didnt I allow myself this sooner? So this was what I was missing all along... It felt magical and I simple cant put it into words. Cause for the first time I  actually felt like a princess. With the rain and the December air, everything was just hmmmn :)

But just when I actually found something, of course the universe has to come and interfere. This happens just when Im leaving in exactly 1 week. I was ready to go, packed my bags and all my supplies, and now... he's just the reason why I want to stay... How can I even go now? Why am I such a mess?? Oh if only I wasnt so dumb. This would be one of the things I want to change back in time.

Im scared I'd hurt leaving, then Im scared I'd hurt more when I come back if things are different. I just don't know. Why can't I have a little more of this? Just a little more for my fairytale 17 to end. I need a tissue now.

Published : Just One Yesterday

I recently had my article published in the school magazine and feeling like a proud mom I thought I would just share this piece with you guys. There was a few mistakes in the school magazine's version due to the editors cuts. So this is the 100% original piece. Enjoy :)

Just One Yesterday

As it’s widely known that , seconds turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours then will become days to weeks months and even years.  But as for Michael , it was not to  be.

Michael or as most people call him Mike, lives in an everyday average life like most of us. The only thing difference is that for every 1 hour lived, would be converted into prolonged days, as if it was never ending. As you can see, getting past a day seems quite a task for Mike.  He wasn’t handicapped in anyway. No, Mike came into the world at exactly 7 minutes passed midnight on the eve of Christmas. He never understood why, although the thought of Christmas always made him tingly  all over and leaves his nerves jangled just before those faithful 7 minutes . Was it excitement of a mere child at the thought of Christmas or rather was it something more? For years everyone brushed it off as the latter. It was nothing they said.

Of his 17 years , Mike seemed to be a person of deep thought. Only to speak when circumstances deemed necessary. It was hard to find someone who gets his life theories. He wasn’t Einstein for sure but still, it would have been nice just to have someone to share them with. Most of his classmates found him bizarre and even a touch of hyper. It was the feeling one gets when you solve an impossible algebraic question.  But still he did serve his purpose as the class clown. There wasn’t a thing that couldn’t  make those classmates of him laugh. And in due time they learned to live with him although never really getting him.  What they didn’t know about Mike was …………. He was capable to imagine things to life.

Was it the gift of Christmas that came with Mike when he was born? It was a mystery. The  unspoken thoughts of Mike became so full till there was a clog in The System of the Universe. It needed to be voiced out or it would burst to create an alternate universe that coexist with reality, forming a worm hole in time. This is serious. But Mike didn’t know anything about it at all.  So until one fine day when The System could not contain Mike’s Gigantous thoughts anymore, yes you guessed it. It Burst.

There was a tingle in the air, that faithful morning. The very tingle Mike felt seconds before his birthday. It seemed odd, he just knew something has changed. The feeling bugged and nagged him no matter how he brushed it aside. At that very moment itself, there was a knock on the door ‘KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!’
Behold. At his front door stood a girl with exotic turnbull blue locks that swayed just by the slightest movements, and those doe like grey eyes that stared straight into one’s soul. The sight was overwhelming. Mike couldn’t believe it was real. Rather it seemed like something he would imagine only in his dreams. Unknowingly, Mike Pronounced her name ‘ Cierra’. And a force of breath hit her straight to the ground.  She was alive.

Being an average teenager, Mike had a very huge problem on his sleeves then. What is he gona tell his parents? Pulse racing, he covered Cierra with a table cloth before climbing up the stairs to his parents master bedroom. Better safe than sorry right?  To his amasement, there was no sign of them and there wasn’t even a crease on the bed! It was as if no one had set foot into the house. Just to be sure he headed straight for the kitchen.

                     Of all the unexpected things to find in the kitchen, there was a pile of growing butterscotched bread puddings, pancakes drizzled in caramel floating in mid-air, and a vanilla red velvet  milkshake with extra whipped cream  all making it’s way to a large dining table.  Was it just him or was Mike’s deepest darkest thoughts coming to life? This was going to be thrilling, or so he thought.

With a new sense of hope Mike was eager to believe it was the best day of his existence, what with everything he always wished to finally come true. It must have been the fairy godmother of thoughts that heard his prayers Mike thought aloud. Everything felt so casual and carefree he didn’t need to worry at the pedestrians judgemental looks on the way to school. “Finally. Just Finally things are turning out perfect”  Just then he remembered Cierra and that she was still under the table cloth at the bottom of the stairs. A rush of guilt washed over him until he felt someone tapping his shoulder.  To his surprise. It was her. Shocked and amazed Mike found he has dropped his jaw. Literally. And Cierra just picked it up , dusted it and placed it back like a lego piece. This was unusually bizzare. Even for Mike who holds the title of King Weird.

Sensing the now visible question marks, Cierra opened her mouth to answer Mike’s curiousity. Her voice though was so melodious, Mike ended up listening to it rather than her explainations. 
Rolling her eyes, Cierra gave another try.
“ welcome Master Mike to Blatanica. Cierra offers her outmost gratitude and greetings to her creator. Im  your best friend too tell me anything, anything at all!  “
Mike hardly believing all this just gagged and laughed .
 “What ? no way hahahaha! You? With that blue -ish hair ? Who would even trust a blue head with secrets pfft. “

 

Secretly Mike wished he could take back those words, for with every glance his approval of Cierra became stronger. Yes. Yes he would definitely trust her with his secrets. Hell, he could even trust her with his immortality. That is if he was immortal. But that’s another case. He was smitten by her and yet such perfections made it imperfectly hard to believe that someone like him could have thought up someone like her by just pure imagination.

With that Mike’s train of thought suddenly took a life of its own and went down to China, Cierra was getting impatient. She wanted acknowledgement. Acceptance. Not previews of the Great wall of China or the Forbidden city floating in front of her. If so she at least hoped it would have been Ancient Rome or even Paris.

 Cierra stomped her foot. It was after a few seconds that her left feet disappeared.  To Mike’s horror he saw colour drained from Cierra’s face. “You have to take me seriously. Not leave me hanging like that to go into another day dream! For every time you brush something as stupid or ridiculous parts of me fade away. And slowly I would disappear. You created me at the back of your head remember? LISTEN you have to believe in me.  I am real” 

Those words were enough to snap Mike back to Cierra. Although a part of her feet has already disappeared, he realised the urgency of his beliefs. Making up his mind and that time was too precious, he didn’t know till when he could pour out his heart to anyone else but Cierra. She who has known him without even existing before this, must have known him more than himself. It was a leap of faith, but he decided to take a chance. They headed to an abandoned park nearby that was closed down due to the toxic gas spill of the underground mines.  Mike finally opened his mouth to form speech
 “ Im so sorry Cierra, I was too happy. Too happy to believe that this could happen to me. It has been too long. I’ve waited and dreamt, wished and hoped every day. But nothing ever happened. It was till then that I just gave up. So you see I do believe. At least I know deep down I do. I’ve changed and evolved. I was never like this, a person who resorted to sarcasm and logic. But the ways of the world have moulded me and I fear… Im growing into it. I…… wish I could go back… but everyday, it gets stronger and it pulls me like how gravity pulls everything to the earth’s core. If only this has happened sooner, no, if only it had happened in the beginning. I cant  stop this…….” And with every word he spoke, unknowingly Cierra began to fade.

     Cierra was aware of herself.  But she said nothing to stop Mike. It was necessary for him to empty his heart out of all those emotions and unspoken theories. The System depanded on it. She couldn’t risk meeting Mike again either as it would only tear the fabric of reality and bring the apocalypse. And so she let him speak. Mike had never spoken as much in his entire existence as compared to those hours on the bench. He was so carried away, it felt like as if time stood still and yet with the ever increasing darkness of twilight, he couldn’t see Cierra, even though she still replied him in little gestures like “umms “ and “ ahhs” . Minutes flew past so much faster and it didn’t even go through the conversion to days. It was in actual minutes, that Mike found himself resting in the silence of sunrise. 

In panic he started scrambling searching for Cierra. She was probably somewhere around and he will just have to think of her and *poof* she would be there. Hysteria took over him as he forced his mind to conjure the image of Cierra. But nothing. Nothing but his throbbing veins and a migraine that over powered him. In anguish he fell to the ground, only to find a Turnbull glass mirror next to him. Turnbull. That comforting shade of blue . The only proof of Cierra’s existence or rather the only Proof of Cierra at all. Mike clutched it tightly to his chest not caring that the sharp edges cut through his flesh. As he lay there, words started forming around the glass mirror. “I will always be there among the stars”  With tears rolling down his cheeks, Mike was changed not knowing Cierra gave up her existence for The System . He wrote his emotions into music and only those who were patient could hear their secrets held within.        

 

Freedom and other things

Hey there my beautiful people! Im happy to share that my Public exams are finally over. I cant believe how real all this is right now cause Im still trying to absorb this. It all happened too fast and yet it felt like eternity.

So with my so-so 1 week of  absolute freedom before I leave for National Service, Im gona be posting some pieces I've been working on, Feel free to read em :)
I aint gona mope about my feelings right now although I am kinda blue that I am officially done with high school cause well it's stime to enjoy whatever time I have here with you guys. Lovess

History is History. Goodbye!

As you well know Im currently sitting for the public exam now called SPM. Its the devil in disguise really what with all the last minute changes and the extremely draggy papers. To cut to the chase, today marks the end of the 2nd week. Theres still two more to go unfortunately.

So I've decided to post my rant here as theres something on my mind that really affected my concentration in todays papers. My mind just went on auto pilot and I had no idea what I was doing. It was scary. And I most definitely cannot afford to have these lingering thoughts especially now.



                                                  I got called for National Service as the First batch. And I have to report by 6 Dec. Although many people say Im lucky I got the first batch cause its selected but its During the Christmas Season. And Its Three Months. With that I'll be missing Christmas, New Years , and My Birthday. I dont want to celebrate my 18th There! How can people just not understand. I had plans. Plans to relax and have my long awaited break after this shitty exam. Plans to work part time to get the extra cash I need for further studies. My parents aren't gona support me for that. For me its more like a Burden.
And the fact that when I told my best friend about it (If you're reading this) all she did was laugh and poke fun saying its ONLY 3 months. ONLY. Its easy for you to say cause you arent the one facing all this. And where will you be my dear friend? You wont even be here thats one thing. You'd be flying all round Europe while I slaught to survive. I dont ask for much, just that you could sympathzise with me for just this time or even offer some words of comfort. But you dont know that do you?


Yet in times like these of all persons to actually ease the pain was someone I misjudged from the beginning of the year. Theres definitely more than meets the eye. He actually felt so sad he kept giving me ideas of how to escape no matter how outrageous they were. Until it came to a point he went dry of thoughts that he suggested I would meet hot guys there. That I did laugh. Its surprising and comforting that someone  I  hardly talk to would bear all my rants and complaints and still make me laugh. Sure he isnt perfect. But I think I've come to be accustomed  to our constant bickering and to call him a friend.

I couldn't stop making list of things I would be needing in my head. It's scary. I think I should write it down. Hell I don't even know if the clothes I bring would be sufficient. I have to wash them all by hand over there and there's no machine. When they mean out in the wild they really do mean out in the wild...... Now I'm worried about pads and toiletries, Oh Gawd the toilets... ergh lets not think about that now.

So I have come to accept that what must come has already came. And yea I'll go through with it for " I can do all things through Christ that strenghtens me" No doubt all thanks to that someone Im kinda looking forward to meeting new people I guess.And I could use to lose some weight there. What with all the food and energy  drinks I've been taking for the exam.

Beneath the Surface

We all have that Childhood friend where we were like family and our parents know each other but over the course of time you just grow apart.

 I used to have one friend just like that. Lets call her S.
After entering secondary school, we were separated by different schools, social circles and just complete opposites. But we still meet once a year for whatever festivities. Its always the same thing we talk about, how are you hi and bye. Nothing more. There just seemed to be nothing we could find to say to each other. but as the years passed, our conversation topics seemed to limit itself gradually.

What's more she used to be the pretty one among the four of us.While we were still forming our facial features and all, you could say she was the swan amongst the ducklings. Everyone just accepted the fact, until puberty hit us and we slowly caught up with her.

And so, during those annual awkward meetings of ours, she noticed us growing up and changing too. And her attitude changed accordingly. Up till now, it kinda feels like the tables are turned, and it's quite obvious she doesnt like it. She's so different now. At times you could just see how obvious fakeness was used to mask courtesy. It almost feels hostile.

Talking things like that makes me mellow, especially when it happens to be your bestest childhood friend. To see each other grow apart into awkward strangers. I'm speechless. Im just going to cut it here then, I have another 2 more days to bear it with her and her boistrous  new friends. Sigh.

Odd Thoughts

This is usually considered weird. And well most people would agree that I am weird. But hey have you ever tried to picture your parents being gay?

I know I have. 

(Just so you know my parents arent. Or maybeI just have no knowledge about it)

My parents switched roles bringing me up since childhood. That is my dad did the cooking and cleaning while my mom brought back dinner. For a long time I thought this was how it was like in everyone elses family. That was until I entered primary school. 

Odd things Ive noticed is that,in being the "Martha" of the house, my dad has become more like a mom. While my mom is more like a dad thats not really involved in their kid's life. You would think theres a balance in everything especially parents. But for mine, they are just complete contrast betwwen them. One seems to care too much while the other too little. That includes asking me to finish food and the endless nagging. So well, I come from an unconventional family and sometimes my mind wonder into extreme places. Its become an inconvinience lately. 

Being the "martha" my dad hardly mingles with his once old buddies. And so when he met this one dude he clicked with they became best of friends. But maybe this is all jealousy on my part for all those years of having him to myself. Just the ways they hang out together so often its pretty disturbing. Not that Im a homophobic or anything, It just feels like this "friend" is trying to use my dad . And yea i fear for the worst. How can I not? 

Thats enought thinking for the night so Im off to bed. Nights lovelies. 

MidNight Rambles

So I've stayed up to write my society report just after Dance practice which was 11.00 pm. The exact time I swore to myself I would sleep immediately.I've been sleeping so much in school it's become hazardous.

So apart from my random observations, theres one thing I noticed thats very well undetected and mostly overlooked by people. Class. You see in this time without the aristocrats you would think we're living in an equality sorta thing. But no... We are far from that. Because now in this new age, how rich you are has become a main factor in the distingushing of social food chains.

I came across this one guy who's parents are professional, and among his friends they would say he's about a middle class sorta guy. BUT LOL. Why LOL? Thats cause all his "friends" are more like heirs to their parents companies and such. You would seriously think you're living in a Korean Drama, but honestly, this is pretty much common in Asia.

I mean who would have thought a little Island that I come from would have so many heirs. But then It be logical if the people who owned companies didnt reproduce right? You see these "Heirs" are so elite you can only find them in a certain part of the island. That is to say birds of a feather flock together,

One thing I dont get is that these elites and priviledged people only mix with their "kind". As if mixing with us normal humans would contaminate their blood. Its really uncalled for. For whatever they own in money does not have an equivalent to their mindsets. I mean you cant judge a persons character by their fortune right? Even in potential partners or love interest, the would only find interest in "Heirresses" as themselves. Feels more like they're together for fame and fortune.

Whats more, these people are mostly low profile, as in they dont go all out on social media or probably have most their accounts protected. Like seriously. I know you are rich and all and you need it for safety purposes, But still, I still find it absurd,

As for me and myself, yes it would be dreamlike to have a prince charming on a white noble steed. But to have someone so materialistic, superficial and calculative I think not. Most of the time they are cocky and just down right rude with a need of attitude adjustments. Why can't they just be like normal people ? Money doesnt give you the privilidge to be a complete ass. Sides the burden to have such a person would be too stressful for my free spirited nerves.

Lets Talk Acessories....

As you well know, I usually talk in metaphores. Although yes it gets confusing and annoying, theres a secret joy in it that makes me feel happy. Especially when I use a metaphore for something and only the person who truly gets it will understand. Its more like the "magic word" for me to know that Im actually talking to someone who gets me.



So about acessories.
Have you ever wondered why young adult male of about 16 year olds and above up to 25 get into a relationship? Well I have. And most of the time, hate to break it to you girls, it's just due to peer pressure.
You see, every guy is considered "manly" or "Macho" when they have a girl by their side. Thats what society feeds them. And in this growing process, most boys want to enter maturity and to look matured, they will just randomly get a girl. Like picking up sundries from the supermarket.

Im not trying to be a feminist here, but honestly, guys these days get into relationships just so they would fit into the crowd. Even before they are emotionally ready for commitment. In doing so, have you ever wondered about the after effects or how the girl would feel? No you didnt. No thanks to your idiotic raging hormones.

And the worst part, when A guy post pictures of him and his latest "Girl" people start congratulating him like its an achievement. And he would enjoy all the attention he gets from his other male friends by showing off his girl. Not only is it sad, it makes the girl look like a piece of meat. And Do you even have feelings for her at all? Its pretty cruel.

Conclusion: Guys , Girls, please, only get into a relationship with someone when you feel comfortable with them, you cant stop thinking about them or simply cause they mean a lot to you. Dont do it for the sake of fitting in or looking cool. In the end you would be the one at a greater loss. Relationships are made to be special, not like something you would have for your amusement and throw it away. Asks yourself this should you ever "think" you found the one : Will he'she be there for me even when I look / smell/ old and ugly or messy. Will they care for me when Im sick or sad or leave everything behind just to cheer me? Can I be myself with that someone without any masks or pretantious sophistication? Then there you have it, Your very own answer.

Something in the air.

Theres just this excitement in the air I cant really describe it. Today marks the first day of trials. And I was so stressed and tired due to burning the midnight oil I actually screamed at my bestie when she called me during recess witha bowl of soup in my hands. It was crazy.
Even I didnt know myself. It was like I could see everything floating by but I couldnt feel, just lost contact with the world. And Its only the first day! What about the next 14 days?
Damn.
And When I got back, I was so hungry and sleepy( that bowl of soup left me growling) I didnt know which to choose first. So I ended up sleeping from 2.30 - 5.00pm with Fall Out Boy and Secondhand Seranade playing in the background. Had lunch for dinner instead and I've been online watching old movies lol. I feel so F-ed up.

But theres something Im looking forward to. I dont know who he'll be and I dont know when, but I do know after this udjnsmx SPM is over Im so going to the beach or hiking with my guy or a few friends. Im gona work my ass off all this SPM fats Im gaining from all the stress binge. Talk about motivation. HEAH!

Lifeless me

I have trials for SPM in almost a DAY. And its gona go one for 3 weeks. This is probably  the turning point for me. That is whatever results I get for this test would determine my forecast result and even the possibility of me applying for any scholarships or January intake for college. *Fingers cross* So yea I should be seriously studying my ass right now. But surprisingly I actually feel more excited for the test even though I havent finish studyimg. Odd right?

Instead Im just here procrastinationg my time watching video after video after videos on youtube. Sigh . What am I gona do with myself?
Ok that sounds wrong. So anyway, Im loading a movie right now called : Stolen Women captured hearts.
And yes im a sucker for romance, especially the historical ones. The Red indian Cheif dude here is so hot he got me fangirling like : omhnfcxhjnmfdcxnm

Some times I wish I was captured by that Red Indian Cheif dude. I dont mind serving him no doubt haha. OK back to watching the movie. Tata lovelies!

Never Have I Ever

Remember playing the game  "Never Have I ever"?  that Im sure many of us played in our early teenage years. Well for the topic today, We're gona hear about, Never have I EVER met someone like this.

So I have this classmate of mine whom Really annoys the sh*t out of me. Forgive my language but Hes the type of guy that always talked like a "know it all" and " Holier than thou" kind even at times when he's wrong. Its such a pain. But out of all the other jerks in the class, hes the one I usually am myself with. Its like He can criticise me and I'll just be like Idon't giva F. Cause I really dont, And
since he criticise everyone else too his judments doesnt bother me.

Hes Birthday was coming up soon so I was (God Bless my Soul) planning to give him a surprise birthday wish considering him a "friend " and all. I always had a weakness for birthdays.
And there he comes out of the Blue, like literally randomly blue, asking me to get him a Loomband.
What do you take me for ? Santa ? I cant just produce a silly Loomband out of nowhere. Sides I dont even believe in them, I rather find them as a waste of money time and effort.

But his buggations( yes thats a new word i created for myself) itself just made me agree to it.God knows why I even said yes. He had to use the birthday card. So oh well fine I went round asking everyone I knew who made this stuff after extra class. It was pretty late. And then when I actually showed him some of the choices he picked 1. That was before he found out they cost 5$. And after that he picked 3  and asked me to pay for him. As a birthday present.It would be a cheap present he said. Well  Its not like I have a lot of cash either.  I was just like:
Freeze.
Dude
Just Freeze.

Never have I ever come across a guy who made a girl pay for his things and used it as a birthday present excuse.I mean its cute or whatever if you choose to see it in a different light but Its kinda being really thicked Skin at the same time.  I mean ethical wise, aren't you supposed to be the gentleman?  To hold the door for the lady, Pay her drinks and pull her chair for her?
Its guys like these that really make you wonder:
What in the goodness name has happened to the world.

EVOLVE

Ever Heard of Charles Darwin's Theory of Evolution?
Well Im not one to agree or disagree with it but lets just leave that boggling discussion to the Scientist for now. 

Now on to the the real thing. Theres always this theory in life where they say "Evolve or Die" In which a case many species have changed their physical characteristics for the adaptation of survival. I know Im starting to sound like a biology nerd right now, but just bear with me.. 

Over the years I've seen my mom as one of the strongest person in my life. She has overcomed a great many hurdles that even I think would be humanly impossible. What with numerous surgeries of fibroids in her womb and such. She was a child of 10 siblings and they probably did not have enough nutrition at that time. But yet she strived for a better life and a better education. In later years she was the only one in her family to be a professional and yea she became the pilar of the family. Should you ever have a problem, Find my mom LOL. That was the joke we used to say. 

Even through my early childhood I recall her dressing me up for kindergarden cooking breakfast ,  going to work , cooking lunch and dinner, and even picking my dad up occasionally from the airport. My dad used to travel a lot those days.She seemed like a Wonderwoman Marvel clone. So it seemed like it was just Me Mom and the world When dad was away.  But as the years passed there it seemed to be a strain on her. And I guess she couldnt take it anymore. No normal person could. She soon collapsed into Major depression.  So it was as if the tables were turned, and it was time for dad to take over. And he did and still is. 

Sometimes I get fustrated when I see her so helpless. To know of the multiple capabilities she used to be able to do and the contrast shes in now. I love her so much and yet that love turns to fustration and dissapointment. Which explains how most of my friends know I have a rocky relationship with her. I wish she would continue evolving and get out of that time capsule shes trapped herself in. I want her to see how I've grown and be proud of  my achievements rather than being more fascinated with the latest Chinese Drama.But if it helps her then oh well, I guess I'll just have to evolve on my own too and keep her somewhere at the back of my mind. 

Dreamers and Unicorns

Its August again….. The month where memories of Him kept flooding in.

                     
There was nothing special about August. Old Ordinary August. Except for the fact that most people mourn the end of summer and the beginning of fall. And yet it was on that faithful August morning Catherine vowed to herself she has discovered true love. Or at least the rough sketch of it, even if it was nothing but a figment of her imagination.

She was always known to be a dreamer. With her head in the clouds it was no surprise if she walked into a pole or any object in particular on a daily basis. Her mother swore that Cath , as she was called, is a hazard to herself. Nevertheless Cath seemed unbreakable not even by her mother’s harsh judgements. The smell of promise hung in the air, this August seemed like a different one she told herself, or so she thought….

“KNOCK! Knock! “  In that split moment Cath was pulled back into reality. Realising the stinging pain in her chest, it was none other than her annual reminder of the boy that stole her heart.  “Sweetheart Are you studying? Finals are round the corner!”  It was bad. This constant trailing of thoughts were going to be Cath’s destruction. “Yes Dad. Just taking a breather. I’ve been on Calculus all day now. “
That was it. Cath told herself she needed a new destraction. Scratch that. Motivativation.

It really didn’t help what with His name being so common. They called him Dan  . Bus most of the time he preferred Augustine. There was always something about that name that made him seem …. What was the word again? …… Immaculately rough and raw  in every aspect. There was nothing about his background that contributed to it, rather it was just the essence of him. It could fill an entire penthouse leaving you starstruck.

That was how she found him. Or rather he found her. Well not exactly but you get the picture.

Jennifer the class Barbie was hosting a pool party at her place. No one ever got invited to these events that were considered “elite” as I should put it. Not unless….. Jennifer wanted something in return be it socially or even  materialistically.
“Hey there Cath whatcha doing girrrrlfriend! You are Cath something right?”
“Umm yea Hi Jen”
One certainly had to be joking. Cath was beyond humoured at Jennifer’s fakeness.
“Sigh….Oh well I guess its gona be one of those nights”
She rolled her eyes as she said this expecting just one of those usual ‘popular in crowd’ get together where everyone just making their way to getting more attention. Attention seekers were what Cath called them. And there was one in particular that could just be  Hercules of the Narcissist. Ironic but true. The Legendary Dan Spencer.

   

          In the midst of her idle thoughts, she caught Dan with his casual folly with a group of girls. They meant nothing to him. Apparently everything meant nothing to him. She hated guys like these. Always thought to be cold hearted players she reminded herself that he’s imaginery. That was the only remedy she could find to protect her of his charms. They were too good even for an independent feminists as herself. There were probably limits to ones power perhaps as there always was a limit to everything.

Dan Spencer did try his so called ‘luck’ on Cath. Perhaps hoping to add her to his list of broken hearts. He was famous for that. He prided himself as the ‘Heartbreaker’. It seemed to add popularity to every girl he crushes.
“Yes Dan I know you exist”
“Well love its about time, you know Im not gona be here all day” That mischievous school boy smile was on his face it made Cath’s blood boil. Infurated her. “That self obsessed pig. I’VE SEEN BETTER GUYS” 
“oh really ? well you haven’t seen one like me *wink* “
“Get a life Dan”
“Darling you are my life”

Dan was such a flirt. There was no doubt about that. And she hated herself for shivering when he used endearments.
“Snap out of it Cath. He’s not serious. He doesn’t care. And he never will“  With that last word of self assurance, Cath walked to the kitchen to have a nip of Jennifer’s refrigerator.

“Sneaky girl.”
“OMG! Can you not do that?? What is wrong with you? I told you to get a life. Im sure there are many gils there you can entertain yourself with. “
“Someone’s touchy. Hmmmm Interesting. Get me some Ice cream too.”
“No.”
“Come on beautiful, sharing is caring. Give a fella some ice cream. You can’t be such a tyrant.”
“NO”
“Alright then if you insist. You asked for it......." 
There was a sense of danger in his tone it made her spine shiver to its core.
                                              
*To be continued......*

Nightmares

 Its common knowledge among Malaysians (Thats where I come from) the teenagers approaching the age of 18 will be selected fro National Service. In short NS or PLKN in its native language. Most people pray for it but 85% of the population would like to differ with this. Including me. As you can guess yes I was one of the "Lucky" ones to get selected. This was not what I planned *Sobs*

Now Im not trying to be a ninny here or anything.Fine so what if I got selected. If I have to then it just cant be helped. But to be honest I was planning to work part time at my favourite boutique store while waiting my results after graduation. It could pay for my expenses for half the year.

I have accepted that If this is what God has laid for me theres no escaping. Though it doesnt mean Im happy with it. I am not. fullstop. And it doesnt help when "Holy " people start posting on the net about them "Feeling Blessed"  as to them not being selected for the Training.
Like EXCUSE YOU.  Are you trying to imply that Only those who arent selected are blessed? So what about the ones who are ? Are you calling us the cursed?

The news about this was already bad enough with SPM Trials coming in just a weeks time. And what with all my depressing Teenage dramatic life. I certainly did not need people like that making me feel worse than shit than I already am.

NOTE: If you wish to rejoice on your good luck go ahead. I am not there to stop you or be a sour grape. Just please. Be happy without uttering useless bullcraps that coincides or involves the opposing party. It is'nt very humane as you're literally Shooting a man when he's drowning. If you cant help, just please do us a favour and shut your hole. Thank you.

Just one Yesterday

I never knew the meaning behind the name of that sentence but lately it's become clearer to me. Everyone seems so sure and secure about where they are going after graduation. And they either have their parents or familiy to support them. But for me its another story.

It was a dilemma for me trying to figure out what I wanted as many of you kn
ow Im really fickle. After wasting almost a full day of life searching and life planning, apparently I still want to Write. Its the one thing that clears my mind of its infinite junk. And no Psychology is probably too taxing  for my lazy ass haha. Sides why would I wana deal with people's problems when I have enough of my own pilling itself up to Everest?

The best part of all this after all those long hours of soul searching, theres just one HUGE problem. I dont have enough funds for a full education  in mass communications( including of scholarship and A levels in a government school which usually costs less).  So another crazy idea of mine which actually sounds logical to me I call it Plan B, is that I get a course in Aviation (Stewarding as some of you might call it) which last for 3 months , work for a year and maybe come back to get my Diploma. Of course I'll be a year older with the rest of the kids but... at least I have funds right? But to every solution theres always a catch.

Not many people I know join this field of career. And word goes (From where I come from) that stewarding is a bad job. Once you join it, people would think you're either shallow, cheap, an airhead and nothing nice. I've been hearing loads of nasties about peoples opinions on this. And I know once I come back from this field, not many will look at me the same way they used to. Ultimately , the few seniors I know that join this either vanish from contact with all their friends and including social networks. Thing is, am I willing to throw that all away? My friends, families, all those memories, social networks, possible relationships, all my dreams of having a normal college life like every other teen.

Honestly not many people get out of this field once they go in which means, theres also a possiblity I can kiss my mass communication dreams goodbye  How can I say good bye to all these that have been wrapped around my heart all my life. Just when I've finally left my mark in the world, there I am knowing I am to vanish again.

Its one thing knowing you're going to dissapear, and another  wanting to dissapear. Thing is I dont want to dissapear. Not yet. It's all too fast. As Fall Out Boy goes,  I'll trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.

The End of the Road

Have you ever looked forward to something so much that when it comes you just felt like you fell 10 feet down? Well its how Im feeling now. Its Graduation and the end of my final year as a senior. A year ago if you asked me how I felt about D Day, it would probrably be : Terrific! Awesome. Indescribable and mostly RELIVED. Let's face it, there comes a time when everyone is just too lazy to go for classes. 

But now, everything is so different. I dont even feel like a senior, and all these years I found myself waiting for something to happen, something life altering like meeting my first love before my year of graduation. Alas, that has never happened, and until now Im still waiting. I'll just be sitting in a corner thinking like : "Yea God Hey how is it up there? How long must I wait again? You said He's gona come but well....? " 

Its sad that something I've been waiting for so long hasn't even come through and Im already gona be gone. Like yeah before anything even started I already left. Is this how it's gona be next year too? Next year when I either leave to study abroad or stay on alone while everyone else leaves for their future? 

The future is so uncertain it scares me. Thinking about it sometimes brings me to tears but isnt that all part of growing up? How about I dont want to grow up? Is that possible?