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I dont know where to begin since I never really ended anywhere. So here goes.

The inevitable has finally happened. After years of picking myself up and wrapping my weary little heart up in confidence and half denial of the male presence, it's all wearing off. At first I thought, oh It's just a petty little crush, it will fade away soon. But what happens when you constantly are forced to be in the same institution as him? I never thought I would have a crush again.

The word sounded too childish for me and my age worn self. Im almost 2 decades old now. Yet this tingly breathless school girl feeling keeps lingering like the haunting. I first met him at a camp and well at that time I was too caught up with my own dread to notice him. Although I did catch glimpse of him starring or looking my way. It didnt bother me that much then. I suppose it was cause I had the comfort of all my other guy friends to push away unnecessary thoughts. After he gave me a goodbye present, (we became friends you see, not close but good enough)  I thought that was the end of it. But no. HAHAHA. We ended up in the same faculty too. Then all my problems started to flush through.  I get breathless when I see him, my heart flutters so loud, I can barely form logical conversations, I deliberately seem like a fool to him which makes me avoid him A LOT. And yet all he does is observe my every expression like it's an unspoken language. Talk about convenience.

I know it sounds like he's giving all the right signals, but what if he's not? You see, in time I have gotten quite annoyed at him for making me feel the fool. He never replies my messages most of the time although he did mention it was a bad habit . Yet the way he's so cool all the time scares me to the core. I cant read him. Im not bragging but I have a good eye for reading people but for him, it only reached around 35% perhaps. As in I can see his intentions and I can see how he thinks just I cant see what he's about to think. I know it sounds crazy but theres just something about him I feel very uneasy about. Like a man chained with secrets and agony. Dont get me wrong he seems like a fun guy and all good sense of humour even,  just the way he threads on his every step terrifies me.

Perhaps it's cause I come from a open care free background? Im an open book you see although I have some secrets, I believe they arent 6 feet deep. Isn't that a good enough sign that we are very different? That anything more and it would just crumble to ashes? So many questions. No Answer. But I cant stop this feeling. No matter how much I try I cant. And with every step , I get more agitated that he's the cause of my insufficient peace of mind. It's illegal the way Im constantly annoyed at the thought of him. Sometimes I just wish he never appeared to me. But then who am I to say? They say people behave the way they do for a reason. But the funny thing is I still cant patch up the dots to his story. It's time I move on with life and focus on more important things. I want to but I cant. Ahhhh help.

If wings could fly

Notice how people are saying  kids these days are ungrateful and heartless? What if it wasnt just because of us.  I mean it does take two hands  to clap no?

All my life Ive hardly ever talked about my family  except to close friends.  Cause well my family's level of disfunctional is just on a different  scale on its own.  I wont dwell on each and every member of them screw ups that is except the more major one.  Mom.  

You see most people love or even adore their mothers.  As well,  mothers are usually the first person you will share or discuss life issues  with ie:  Your first crush,  first date,  fashion sense, first job interview.  Not mine though.  My mother, (notice  how I dont even call mom)  has never been apart of my life.  All she ever did was gave birth to me, and just appearing for the sake of pictures on family  occasion.  Shes  the type of parent that knows absolutely nothing about my interest.  And well I know this  everytime she buys me food or things. And instead of being the supportive pillar to your child she's  the kind to trash talk you,  make you feel like shit and unwanted,  to always be cautious  of peoples intentions cause the worlds a nasty place.  Well shes the only nasty I know. So yeah my mother would probably be the last person in my life I would tell a single farting to.   Which is kinda sad.  

Thats not the only factor to be honest.  I have a child for a mother.  Perhaps in the past she was okay or maybe she seemed matured for that time.  But these days she's  so childish I feel like the mom instead.  Someone has to be.  Yet when I try to get her out of bed or get her to attend Her gatherings she makes it like Im a tyrant.  And everytime she will say how ungrateful  of a child i am that i dont deserve being born and all sort of self pity things she says about herself.  I dont know,  I guess Ive reached a point Im so used to hearing this I couldn't  care less about it anymore.  Id say Im not emotionally attached to her.  Why should I?  She never played any significant  role in my life.  Yes I know we forgive and we forget.  But whats there to forgive when there was nothing to bother about in the first place? 

I know this sounds heartless and even cold,  but if I ever turn out to be a selfish self centered bitch I would say its because of her.  Whos gona look out for me if it aint me? All my 18 years I've been living like this.  And well most of the time I just bear with her presence to keep my mental peace.  So yeah if wings could fly,  I honestly  cant wait to graduate get a job get my place and get the hell away.  I know this sounds like a typical teenager but you dont know her.  Shes toxic.

Im so disgusted by all her childish  ways I dont see how I can respect her.  Like how can you respect someone with no responsibility no courtesy no common sense at all? You cant just walk up to people telling them they are shit.  Like who dahell do you think you are?  Unless of course I am supossed to make all those qualities my role models I dont think  so.  So no,  you  cant earn my respect just by giving birth  to me.  Anyone could give birth,  but it takes real effort to be a mother.  You dont just sit there expecting  someone to do it for you.  The truth hurts,  but sometimes you just have to wake up and accept the facts.  Life is not a dream or a bed of roses.  So Im sorry I cant love you.  You gave me no reason to.  I need more than that.  And frankly I think its too late to be showering me with mere words. 

Ambition

Have you ever had that junction in life where you have to decide.  That one turning point where every decision could alter your life? I've been getting questions about what I plan to do after this.  What if my answer is everything?

After some soul searching Ive come to realise I want so much out of life that sometimes I feel life cant satisfy me.  Is this too much? What is too much?   As they said everything comes with a price  and to acieve great heights theres to be great sacrifices.  Am I capable of such a  sacrifice tho? Its not going to be easy thats for sure.  But then again all the great people did it what makes them any different than me then?  

The point is I already know what I want out of life.  I know what I want to be Im just not sure if I can go the distance.
At one point I want to travel to see the world and all the slpendour people speak of it.  Since Im part of this planet I think I deserve to marvel at it while I still can.  To not be attached jumping around from place to place exploring new advantures yup thats me.
 Then theres another side :To be a meds student to memorise all those dieseases bacteria life processes sounds like fun. The late overtime hours in a hospital earning big bucks.  Hahs.
It sounds so easy getting a 4.0 CGPA getting into Uni and living  your dream.'  Study hard' they say its all worth it.  But  is it?  What if after all this I still end up going for masscom wouldn't  it all be a waste?  Sure Im doing what  I love but all this hard work would be a waste.  Then again i guess this is where God steps in.  Our God is so much bigger than life and yet in times like this we often leave him out  forgetting that hes just waiting for us to call on him.  We just neglect him.

So how do you decide between being a contribution to the world,  getting recognition,  status, respect, and doing something that makes you happy,  something thats you,  thats so effortless working feels like play.  Most people would say thats an easy question.  Just go withthe one you love most.  But if it were you.  Would you give up fame,  respect,  money,  recognition all for something people would look at and secretly pity you?

I think Ive reached a point of fck society for now.  Dont worry its only temporary.  Just until i get through this 6 months of hell in matrics.  After that,  who knows,  we'll  see.  Im leaving all up to God now :)

Night Changes

Aint It funny how life never really turns out the way we expect it to be? 2015 is almost over considering September is ending and to be honest I never would have pictured things would turn out the way it did. Many of you have been asking me why I never updated my blog, and truth be told the only answer I can finally give would be that , maybe somehow, by not blogging about it, things wouldnt seem true. I know Im in denial but then........

To be honest, Life has taught me much more in these past months than it did for my past 17 years of existence. You could say that 2015 has been more like a disaster year for me. There were so many changes and they all had to come all at once. First off, lets see mom retired so we moved to another state where my parents bought a house there away from Penang from my friends from everything I called home. Complete Desolution.

 Then,  I graduated High school meaning I am to attend college or lower six. My choice would have been lower six but.....since I would rather be in upper 6 in Penang and my parents already moved meaning I have no place to stay in penang, I went for Matrics. Yup. I signed myself a warrant to hell. No doubt I met some people who opened my eyes to life, they were interesting people, yet theres  still this hole in your heart that never really fills up when your with people you grew up with. That feeling of comfort and security. Going to matrics , I've started seeing the world in a new light. Its sad that my idea of humanity is completely altered. It shook me off my innocence that people would look out for you or that  people are doing it cause they care. When in truth, over there it's so realistic whereby nothing is done unless it benefits them. Its all ambition, fame and out shining each other. If this were school I think I would still survive cause I get to leave matrics at matrics and relax after school hours. But no. Its Matrics where after class hours you're still in hell and theres no break from it unless its mid sem break. Even that Matrics still haunts us with holiday homeworks and assignments promising to affect our fragile CGPAs. Will you give us a break already?!?

Next, you would think oh well how bad can it get? OH hahaha I was so wrong to question that. Remind me never to ever ask for the worst. Cause soon after I went to Matrics I lost my closest friend whom I happen to be very attached to. At that time I was still settling in and maybe  I guess I got too caught up trying to settle myself I forgot about him. He got annoyed at me somehow, and we havent been talking ever since. Its almost 4 months since we spoke, Why am I even counting? Its not supposed to matter. Thing is I did try to solve things after I got my shit together, but I guess it was too late. He didnt want to explain, just shut me out completely. I know we're living different lives but still, what kind of person ends a friendship with:

 " We're going our separate ways it would be better if you stop forcing a conversation cause its gona be more awkward"

LIKE DAFUQ. You dont shut your best friend out , completely stop talking to them and treating them like complete stranger and then replacing them with other people while rubbing it in their faces with no explainations whatsoever. WHAT KIND OF FRIEND IS THAT?
I never thought someone like him could ever do something like this. Honestly. And to me of all persons. There you just wrecked me and tore whatever's left of my tattered heart into dust. Are you happy? Whats worse is that there's so many reminders of him everywhere. HALF OF MY ROOM is filled with the things he gave me. Christmas presents, birthday presents, souveniers. He was sweet like that. I cant even wear my dresses cause every dress ever worth wearing was worn with him. Now all I wear are leggings and oversized tees. My parents think im a potatoe sack.
I dont know I just give up trying to understand people anymore.

But then from all this mess I think the one thing I really learned from life this year is that, true friends are the ones who are there for you in your darkest, they wouldnt mind hearing you cry over the phone no matter how far apart you are or how long you guys will end up talking.And it doesnt matter how long you havent met each other cause when you do, Its like you never left in the first place. And thats REMEDY to the soul. Remedy indeed.

I am gratful that in all this ship wreck, I had some pretty awesome people like my two awesome Baes M and H to back me up. For all those weekend calls they gave while I was alone in campus rotting depressingly. I dont know what I would do without them.

Life was really hard on me this year I supposee, but I did learn a lot. Was the pain worth it? Was it necessary? I dont know, and I dont want to find out. I know things wont be the same again but we cant determine what happened and we sure as hell cant change it. So do I carry on as if nothing happened? Perhaps. But how do I when Everything happened. So here you have it Eunice Catherine Jane Andrews, a lil shattered, a lot tattered, older and harder than before. Goodbye childish innocence, Reality hits.

Welcome New Beginnings!

So I've come a long long way ever since 2015 started. Camp ended about two months ago now and all I could think of is it was nothing but a bad dream. It hardly feels real at all. And if you would send me back there again, I honestly dont know how I am to survive it. Despite the horrors from the Jungle I did make some splendid friends I would keep a lifetime tho. I mostly owe it to them and God for helping me survive it.

 This was me and Ferlyn right after our Christmas break  ^

 Our usual Picnic Party with FFE

 The day after our marching training : Oh look at those smiles

This right here is Boy, Sweet guy 

My crew The Mixes and the Fixes ;) (Ferlyn Me Faa and  Daniel )

 This right here is our very famous Dodo :D Amazing person colourful inside out

And look we found our own Obama XD. That was his nickname

Our Group pic with Ferlyn Nabila Suhanna and Fareeha. I love them girls <3

Daniel and a rose for my present. The theme was Black rose. Such creativity

The first person I met in camp. Ong Jia Ying, Aint she beautiful?

Adiba The cutest thing I ever knew

Miza the nest cute one XD

A collage of our many shots. Me and Dr Fur  <3.

So the ones with me in Black was  13th Febuary, Friday the Thirtheenth, Black Friday, Our Farewell party, the day before we left, Black rose night, and supposedly my 18th Birthday. There was no other way I would have celebrated my Birthday other than like this <3

Now back to our story muahaha. Being back home felt like a dream come true but it definitely took me at least a month to tune back to reality. I felt like a shellshocked soldier of war honestly. I was so bored being so used to the jammed pack daily schedule back there by the second week of my return I was desperate to get a part time job to fill in the time. But then again we all know nothing good comes when you rush into it. I guess thats prolly one of the life lessons I've learned upon coming back.

Well everyone who knows me will definitely know you cant stop me once I've made up my mind. And a job I did get. I just never knew getting a part time job would be that easy. But keeping the job and keeping a sound mind while working now thats the challenge. And so I found out I didnt do enough research upon applying the jobs and lets just say I had some jobs that clearly didnt suit me. Or maybe it was just luck. Cause well I should have followed my friends when they went into restaurants, instead I went to retail. Not that all retails are bad tho. But the experience was very educational for that I am grateful. The exposure to the buissness world through retail just gave me a clearer vision as in choice for my future. WHICH IS DEFNITELY NOT RETAIL/ MARKETTING.



And after two months of Labor (March and half of April) I've decided to go back to enjoying my time. I know a smart person does not let go of opportunities to earn money. I wouldnt. But I think on a whole I've decided to give myself this luxury cause I am definitely not going to have this kind of Holiday once I start college by end of May. And even is I do get semester break there will still be stress of exams and schedules. I deserve this break. I've worked 5 years off my ass for this. And why on earth would I waste my holidays working for an underpaid job getting sour treatments and not enjoying what I do? It would be a different thing if I did like it. Hell I would even do it for free! Thats right, I am extreme like that. I am your all or nothing girl.

Back in the Wild

Im back from National Service, or as the locals call it NS, mainly cause it was Christmas. But it wasnt easy at all. We had to pend in our holiday request for almost two weeks which was really fustrating. It felt as if they didnt care at all. Leaving that place, it's as if I came out of the woods, cause the signals only work outside the camp. (10 km outside). Thats how deep it's in. Anyway Im going back there in less than another 3 hours so oh well forgive my rants.

Coming back home after the drastic change of wilderness, I
felt like a homeless man finding a home. I went straight to my room and burst into tears. My room was so clean there were echoes when I hummed. It felt as if the whole world revolved without me and being back in society, felt rather strange. Cause well everyone just kept moving on with their life. And I started to realise how insignificant and tiny an individual I am. Although yes, my friends miss me, and I they, but it's not like they were pining for me every second of the day, they filled those "us" times with other new people. And it somehow felt like I can be replaced.

It's just somehow, how shall I put it? Coming back (Although it was only 3 weeks) I start seeing things in a different light. And the things that used to matter so much to me just seem like "things" now. I believe this was the change I was afraid would take place. And it is. Although I dont know if this is for good or bad.

For instance, I used to take pride in my Portuguese Eurasian heritage, but ever since this camp, I find it rather pointless when people boast about their race. As everyone is just the same and what separates us is rather our mindsets and mentality. I never thought i would be homesick. I even laughed at characters in stories whenever they cried. But now I guess I understand why Dorothy didnt want to stay in Oz. Cause there's really- "No place like home".

Things like fashion, clothes, malls used to thrill me. But this Christmas, they somehow dont seem like necessities anymore. It's like my minds been set to "Practical Mode". But Practical is boring. And I dont want to lose that touch of colour I had in me which seems to deteriorate everyday in camp. Things are so restricted and rigid, there's hardly time for creativity or even quirk. I dont know if it's just me but being there for too long can actually break one's spirits. What more when you dont have your phone or music and complete isolation from all things comforting.

I agree I've been tougher than I have in my 17 years of life, and I like the independence. That feeling of achievement but at times it hits me hard and well even people studying abroad still have contact with the outside world. Whereas this is like a time machine transporting me into desolate space to a time when everyone you know is dead. Yea that's how I feel. And when I see everyone moving on I cant help but wonder is this how it feels like one someone dies? Their loved ones either move on or find something else to fill in the space. Yea depressing stuff for Christmas eh?

I've never been this far away from home during Christmas. Cause well Christmas is a time of togetherness and family. But clearly MOST people here don't get it. And they can't understand why we Christians are upset when they can't be bothered to give us leave. It's not just a Holiday. It's us welcoming Our Lord once again into our lives to start a fresh with our families. That's Christmas. Not the gifts, not the snowman and not the discounted sales at malls.

Fairytale V.s Reality

Sure every girl has dreamt of that prince charming and Well I wouldn't deny myself that I've been looking for him too. The thing is... what if they never told us that the Prince was a player, unreliable or maybe non existent  even? Now that's something to think about.....

I came across this guy, (sure it always starts like that eh?) who practically swept me off my feet in just one night whereby it was a date with minimal mistakes with all the gentlemanly gestures and princess treatment,SURE. It felt magically romantic until at least the next 24 hours where he starts being douchie. 

 He was so keen in making it flawless I actually felt uneasy.. Cause it's like sometimes when things are too perfect they hardly seem real. It's not like I'm whining or anything, or maybe I am so what. The point is that, Its the imperfections that makes the memories last, not the perfect straight out of a dating manual date. Even a retard could do that. I hoped that well he would at least continue the conversation after that dinner but it rather seems like he's trying to play hard to get. Well I'm a girl and I sure as hell will not be wasting my efforts endlessly pining for you. I'm sorry. So it was hard getting over him even though I've tried getting over him so many times. It almost feels as if I know how to get over him more than I know about him. 

So this my lovelies are an example of the so called fairytale : they make you pine for them, looking like an idiot while they are probably out brainstorming to capture more hearts.

Then you have the real kind of guy: He likes you. And sure he tries to use his subtle ways to let you know but there's no games in it. Just simple and sweet. His friends are always there to cheer him on and you just know it that well secretly they are finding ways to help him woo you as well. He doesn't try so hard to impress. He does but, it's not like a complete different identity type of thing. He's there always ready to help, offer advices , and he lays his cards out on the table. No secrets. No hanky panky. And definitely no mysteries. 

Disney has been doing this kinda guys a lot of discredit. I mean this is the kind of guy I want. And he definitely sounds like prince material to me. 

I want a guy whos not more in love in his self than in his life. Like why can't guys these days be less vain and more modest ?! Rather than being so full of themselves they end up becoming douches. I wan a real guy. You hear that universe? No more stuffy excessively wannabe romantics. Its just urghhghhhhh