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I dont know where to begin since I never really ended anywhere. So here goes.

The inevitable has finally happened. After years of picking myself up and wrapping my weary little heart up in confidence and half denial of the male presence, it's all wearing off. At first I thought, oh It's just a petty little crush, it will fade away soon. But what happens when you constantly are forced to be in the same institution as him? I never thought I would have a crush again.

The word sounded too childish for me and my age worn self. Im almost 2 decades old now. Yet this tingly breathless school girl feeling keeps lingering like the haunting. I first met him at a camp and well at that time I was too caught up with my own dread to notice him. Although I did catch glimpse of him starring or looking my way. It didnt bother me that much then. I suppose it was cause I had the comfort of all my other guy friends to push away unnecessary thoughts. After he gave me a goodbye present, (we became friends you see, not close but good enough)  I thought that was the end of it. But no. HAHAHA. We ended up in the same faculty too. Then all my problems started to flush through.  I get breathless when I see him, my heart flutters so loud, I can barely form logical conversations, I deliberately seem like a fool to him which makes me avoid him A LOT. And yet all he does is observe my every expression like it's an unspoken language. Talk about convenience.

I know it sounds like he's giving all the right signals, but what if he's not? You see, in time I have gotten quite annoyed at him for making me feel the fool. He never replies my messages most of the time although he did mention it was a bad habit . Yet the way he's so cool all the time scares me to the core. I cant read him. Im not bragging but I have a good eye for reading people but for him, it only reached around 35% perhaps. As in I can see his intentions and I can see how he thinks just I cant see what he's about to think. I know it sounds crazy but theres just something about him I feel very uneasy about. Like a man chained with secrets and agony. Dont get me wrong he seems like a fun guy and all good sense of humour even,  just the way he threads on his every step terrifies me.

Perhaps it's cause I come from a open care free background? Im an open book you see although I have some secrets, I believe they arent 6 feet deep. Isn't that a good enough sign that we are very different? That anything more and it would just crumble to ashes? So many questions. No Answer. But I cant stop this feeling. No matter how much I try I cant. And with every step , I get more agitated that he's the cause of my insufficient peace of mind. It's illegal the way Im constantly annoyed at the thought of him. Sometimes I just wish he never appeared to me. But then who am I to say? They say people behave the way they do for a reason. But the funny thing is I still cant patch up the dots to his story. It's time I move on with life and focus on more important things. I want to but I cant. Ahhhh help.