Back in the Wild

Im back from National Service, or as the locals call it NS, mainly cause it was Christmas. But it wasnt easy at all. We had to pend in our holiday request for almost two weeks which was really fustrating. It felt as if they didnt care at all. Leaving that place, it's as if I came out of the woods, cause the signals only work outside the camp. (10 km outside). Thats how deep it's in. Anyway Im going back there in less than another 3 hours so oh well forgive my rants.

Coming back home after the drastic change of wilderness, I
felt like a homeless man finding a home. I went straight to my room and burst into tears. My room was so clean there were echoes when I hummed. It felt as if the whole world revolved without me and being back in society, felt rather strange. Cause well everyone just kept moving on with their life. And I started to realise how insignificant and tiny an individual I am. Although yes, my friends miss me, and I they, but it's not like they were pining for me every second of the day, they filled those "us" times with other new people. And it somehow felt like I can be replaced.

It's just somehow, how shall I put it? Coming back (Although it was only 3 weeks) I start seeing things in a different light. And the things that used to matter so much to me just seem like "things" now. I believe this was the change I was afraid would take place. And it is. Although I dont know if this is for good or bad.

For instance, I used to take pride in my Portuguese Eurasian heritage, but ever since this camp, I find it rather pointless when people boast about their race. As everyone is just the same and what separates us is rather our mindsets and mentality. I never thought i would be homesick. I even laughed at characters in stories whenever they cried. But now I guess I understand why Dorothy didnt want to stay in Oz. Cause there's really- "No place like home".

Things like fashion, clothes, malls used to thrill me. But this Christmas, they somehow dont seem like necessities anymore. It's like my minds been set to "Practical Mode". But Practical is boring. And I dont want to lose that touch of colour I had in me which seems to deteriorate everyday in camp. Things are so restricted and rigid, there's hardly time for creativity or even quirk. I dont know if it's just me but being there for too long can actually break one's spirits. What more when you dont have your phone or music and complete isolation from all things comforting.

I agree I've been tougher than I have in my 17 years of life, and I like the independence. That feeling of achievement but at times it hits me hard and well even people studying abroad still have contact with the outside world. Whereas this is like a time machine transporting me into desolate space to a time when everyone you know is dead. Yea that's how I feel. And when I see everyone moving on I cant help but wonder is this how it feels like one someone dies? Their loved ones either move on or find something else to fill in the space. Yea depressing stuff for Christmas eh?

I've never been this far away from home during Christmas. Cause well Christmas is a time of togetherness and family. But clearly MOST people here don't get it. And they can't understand why we Christians are upset when they can't be bothered to give us leave. It's not just a Holiday. It's us welcoming Our Lord once again into our lives to start a fresh with our families. That's Christmas. Not the gifts, not the snowman and not the discounted sales at malls.